But today we learned that the low auditory (half of the children labeled ADHD) often blame others for their misbehaviors, partly because they don’t know how to speak their heart. We learned how to teach someone to speak his heart when he doesn’t know his heart, doesn’t have the words to match his feelings and doesn’t believe he will benefit from the effort because all previous attempts have failed.
You solve all those problems by providing most of the words in a structured framework that touches the essence of what the child needs to express to heal. The two tools you use are the Love Letter and Fair Fight. Eventually, the child makes these tools her own. As an added benefit you can also use these tools with your spouse.
I like the concept of fair fight, but some may struggle with what I have in my home, which is a blended family. I have two boys, 12 and 13, one who is ADHD and the other ODD and both are low auditory. My husband is what seems to be 100% auditory, as are his boys, 13 and 15. When it comes to fair fight, the younger boys don’t know how to express themselves, and the older ones are very insightful and crafty with words. Usually later on, I learn the remaining facts in the discord, where my less crafty boys are not totally to blame. Thus, the younger end up feeling very much like “step children.” Any help with this one?
Lisa,
Your situation is perfect for the Fair Fight. It will teach your younger kids that talking is helpful. If I were you I would Click on Products and get Does Your Child Really Have ADHD? The Fair Fight and much more is in it.
Next, remember that boys are hormonally motivated so break them into teams the two 13 year olds against the 15 and 12 year old. (I know it is pathetic, but if we think we can win we will compete for anything including doing the dishes and taking out the trash.) Your job is to figure out a reward that they want and isn’t bad for them.
Why will this help? Besides creating teams that mix the two families they create a spirit of cooperation and interdependency the 15 year old can’t win without the 12 year old performing better. Boys are going to compete with one another, but you have the opportunity to set the goals and the rules to develop a cooperative mindset.
One last comment, your ODD child is hurting. He needs to learn to speak his heart or he will face a life of anger and isolation. I know I have been there. The Fair Fight and the love letter will give him half the words and the direction needed to release his pain. Please do this it is an act of mercy.
Thank you. Sorry for my delayed response. I didn’t come back to the site for a while. My dilemma comes when the older boys are blaming the younger, or the older just allow the younger to take the hit for their doing, because the younger ones can’t seem to articulate their side. So, getting the oldest to join with the youngest usually isn’t how the fight works out. I will work on the love letter with the youngest. He has come a long way, and diet has made a HUGE impact on his behaviors as well.
THANK YOU AGAIN!
Lisa,
I certainly understand why the older one doesn’t want to do a Fair Fight. I would suggest that if the younger one will do a fair fight and the older won’t that the younger one wins by default. Much of life is won just by showing up. It is time your older son start showing up.
Stephen Guffanti, MD
PS. In order for you to read my reply do you have to come back to this site? or is it emailed to you?